Once again, and not even for the first time today, I marvel at the psychedelic wonder of the world and my place in it.

I abandoned mediocrity for disaster.

I would not take death from the rich.

Beneath it all there was the simple disappointment that the only things I'd succeeded at were avoidance and sloth. I was happy, day by day, and there were always moments I enjoyed, although there was an undeniable lack of color that had been with me from the start, a clear disconnect between myself and the way the world worked, the demands it made and the rewards on offer.

But even then I had to admit that what I wanted could not be expressed without a sense of failure and shame.

Ambition numbed and atrophied, I found peace and satisfaction in my idiocy, until I wised up and saw what I had wasted.

I forget there were others in the world, and fell into myself.

Hiding in a cafe with another beer, I escaped a better fate and wanted to be no one.

The anger that broke me was still inside, all it needed was a drink.

I threw away half my life to hurt my father.

I slice ginger, boil water, and purge the poison and dismay.

I never knew I was poor until it was too late to do much of anything about it.

 And just like that, I did nothing.

Sex ended far too soon, with much of life ahead of me.

 All I sought was oblivion and ecstasy, an endless round of indulgence, but in my poverty I ended up with drudgery and pain.

Something in me broke again, as I looked at the wreck of my life.

Lost in a world of my own, ignored and going deeper.

To spend one's time as agreeably as possible, treading lightly on the Earth and other entities, helping more than hurting, and ready for death at three hours' notice.

Then somehow it all works, despite looking bad on paper, and the idea of getting old seems a good one, to be welcomed.

"We'll get through this," I think, "together and mostly unharmed."

Then I take another hit of the joint and see stars.

 I wasn't a good man, and got what I deserved.

So many people smarter, more focused and hard-working than me, a man who decided to drop out of life and found that it went on regardless.