A fantasy of a life so near and far.

I'll drive to the coast for a few days of pleasure. Stay in a nice hotel, eat out, swim and tan and meet with friends old and new in the evening. Travel with my long-term partner, both have a great time, no stress, no fuss, no looking at the prices or denying any pleasures.

Instead I am alone again, counting the money and never going anywhere, never doing anything, just a frozen state of nothing but decline and the ever growing mountain of regret.

This is the sum of my life, all that I'll see of the world.

I wouldn't start from here. I wouldn't take this bet. Not unless I were far more disadvantaged than I am now or ever was before.

I had chances, a lot of them.

I'm white, straight, male, able-bodied and so on, with good skin and a dick I've been proud of

I'm not dead, not yet, and it all ends in nothing, anyway.

I miss the coast. I miss company. I miss meals in restaurants and dancing past midnight, dancing anywhere at all.

There is a loss that's permanent and mounting, one that I add to in horror as I wake up and go through the motions. I work on coffee, vitamins, canned fish and masturbation. I rot my brain and know that I'm not only ignorant but stupid.

But things can always get worse.