How to weigh a life of poor decisions, often no decisions, along with sloth, in the absence of greater meaning beyond material success?

I go for a walk. I feel the sky above me, the spread of the Earth in all directions, the near eternity on either side of my small life, the sideways pull of bliss, the understanding that all of this is in me, that life is more than we can know, more than the base accounting of things.

And I am reborn, once again, outside of myself and my time, connected, once again, to the world as it is beyond Man.

There's no price on this, no profit, just the blank fact of the matter. The mystery of life, the universe observing itself.

It won’t last, of course, and is perhaps nothing but a distraction from the gravity of my situation, but as with all forms of intoxication I embrace it.