I wouldn't start from here

lost and found in mid-life

04/04/2025

A coming to terms with the realities of life, an honest accounting of my good fortune and poor decision-making. A further retreat into myself.

at 08:00

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After a while it becomes impossible to believe in the excitement of the life I once led, and how I still found time to be bored, stressed an...
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For years I was among the smartest and most solvent in any room, but that says more about the rooms I was in than anything else. Dive bars, ...
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Napoleon's apples were no better than mine, his capacity for joy no greater, and at my age he was dead.
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I wake up, and for the second day there's no work, no paid work, but still I get dressed and go to my desk, turn on the machine and wa...
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After happiness (or at least contentment) I wake up and feel lost again, wholly within myself, in full awareness of the material reality of ...
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Only now, decades later, can I see what an awful young man I was, how broken by a broken upbringing, all wasted energy, anger, entitlement, ...
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The horror I knew as a child returns, and this time I know it's for real, fueled by the feeling of vertigo that comes with poverty, prec...
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Nothing new will happen now, nothing good. There'll be no sudden plot twists, no unexpected hero, heroine, windfall or change in charact...
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Someone I know, someone I thought I could have been, turns up on TV and does their job well, appears at ease, conveys knowledge and competen...
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When you're that lost you can only wish for misfortune on others, to bring them down to your level, then beneath it, so you can all suff...