I'm eating lunch on the terrace, Thai fried rice from scraps – two-day-old fridge rice, a little chopped leek, red pepper, garlic and ginger, some broccoli head and stem, half a carrot, a few bean sprouts and an egg, all done in coconut oil in a hot wok over gas and splashed with fish and soy sauces, some ground bird's eye chili stirred through – and realize it's been years since I wanted to die.