My alcohol and drug use were driven by two things – the need to celebrate and the need to forget.

I'm eating lunch on the terrace, Thai fried rice from scraps – two-day-old fridge rice, a little chopped leek, red pepper, garlic and ginger, some broccoli head and stem, half a carrot, a few bean sprouts and an egg, all done in coconut oil in a hot wok over gas and splashed with fish and soy sauces, some ground bird's eye chili stirred through – and realize it's been years since I wanted to die.

I realized late that the actions you take impact the life you lead, and that a person with a better life would probably have been working on this from the start, perhaps even focused on education as a child, in terms of actually learning things and not just getting through the classes intact and ignored, another day safely spent idle and unbullied, dreaming of escaping from timetables, England, uniforms and orders.

But even then, with my lack of knowledge, drive and native charm, I escaped and led a life of dreams.

All of which seems unreal now, on the other side of decades.

One beer in, on a day of coffee and starvation, outside with music and a book.

Forget the vain longing for greatness, the desire for broad dominion.

This. Is. It.

Another summer, and with it the understanding spring has gone, autumn looming, winter death, but for now we'll bake in long hot days, and live as if forever.

The first third of my life was getting deeper into a labyrinth, and the second third finding a way out.

Now I like to think I'm free, but then, out of nowhere, a memory of the early and mid-horror will return, and with it the darkness, loss, shame and regret.

Meanwhile, outside, above the clouds, the sun and stars are shining.

By the main account I had wasted my life.

But the truth is, I enjoyed it.

You could cut off my legs, put me in a bucket and lower me down a well in a storm, as long as I can manage my own time.

My struggles and triumphs were (and remain) no less great than Caesar's, and I have outlived him.

I sit down and make a mental list of everyone I know who has achieved something impressive and easy to understand, a simple headline statement that others will admire and indicates their time has not been wasted.

It's not a short list, even though I don't know many people, and drives home the feeling that I, and almost I alone, didn't get what was going on here, didn't see the importance of building a career in the wider scheme of building a life.

Instead I wandered off as if already accomplished, and did the small things I was interested in, mostly going into myself and living in nice places, making sure I had good lunches and plenty of sleep.

One gets older and disappoints oneself, yet in my body, in my head, I am and always have been the whole world.