Focus on the beauty, move beyond the pain.

How to weigh a life of poor decisions, often no decisions, along with sloth, in the absence of greater meaning beyond material success?

I go for a walk. I feel the sky above me, the spread of the Earth in all directions, the near eternity on either side of my small life, the sideways pull of bliss, the understanding that all of this is in me, that life is more than we can know, more than the base accounting of things.

And I am reborn, once again, outside of myself and my time, connected, once again, to the world as it is beyond Man.

There's no price on this, no profit, just the blank fact of the matter. The mystery of life, the universe observing itself.

It won’t last, of course, and is perhaps nothing but a distraction from the gravity of my situation, but as with all forms of intoxication I embrace it.

Today I have accepted life as it is. Beyond this is only theater.

That other place, where people are happy and carefree, isn’t real, at least not to me.

The old horror of ending up in a small town that people drive through without remark, and then it happens, but abroad, and after more than half a lifetime of things I can't explain, of no plans and no real direction beyond the moment, I embrace it.

Anonymity beats oblivion, the early death I escaped so many times on dangerous roads in poor conditions and bad choices made after midnight. I should not be here. I should not be anywhere.

I did not expect to make it much past 30, never mind 40, and here I am, hale and hearty in my 50s, so time to get ready for the rest of the show, to get stronger, healthier, better, to enjoy life more and look forward when not living now, in the moment, in the bloom of ecstasy as the flow of time moves through me and my head is open to joy.

This is what I’ve always lived for, those peak moments that give a sense of eternity, the secret of life.

All I ever wanted was ecstasy at all times.

The death that you'll experience – of loved ones, of yourself – is the same death you’ve heard about all your life.

I came of age without ambition and achieved my full potential.

I'm the universe observing itself.

What will I report of interest?

Absolutely nothing.

I drink less alcohol, more herbal tea, to calm my nerves and not fuck up, not waste time, not become even more of a wreck.

There’s another story to be told, and perhaps I’ll tell it.

I lived like a Tang dynasty hermit, enjoyed my tea, wine, books and evenings, had less interest in what was going on around me.

My life was my own.

And then it passed me by

How do people spend their days, what do they do with their time, and how does it feel in their heads?